The Lost Boy and his mental health

I have a wonderful and strong wife. She deals with more from me than I could ever imagine myself doing and I love her absolutely. I’m going to start with a list of all of my diagnosed problems (more to accept it than anything) I am schizoaffective, bipolar 1, depressed, anxious(mostly social) I have ADD, PTSD, and I disassociate severely.

At the very least, you could say I’m hard to talk to. No matter how hard I am trying to listen, how bad I want to hear and respond correctly, sometimes it just can’t happen. The ADD playing its part in making me easily distracted, the depression in me trying to tell me I shouldn’t care, and then, depending on who you are, the anxiety of wondering if you understand how much I care. How much I love you in a way, no matter who you are. Then on top of that, the schizo in me goes trying to listen, and ignore at the same time the voices that especially come on strong every three months as my shot of medication wears off. Then the PTSD doing its thing as I listen intently to what you are saying, I am suddenly reminded of my past, my fears, and my worst memory or memories. It hits me out of nowhere and like I’m taking on these memories for the first time, every time. Then my mind developed the wonderful ability to disassociate. When things get overwhelming, I can become Noone, remember nothing. I blackout at times(sometimes for hours) and while it’s useful and has more than likely saved my life….I hate it.

So yes, I’m hard to talk to, and when all else fails, you know what I do? I drink it away…not the healthiest choice but every now and then I reach that perfect state of inebriation, and stop and enjoy it. The rest of the time I’m trying to get there. Alcohol is a demon…but that’s for another day.

Published by The Lost Girl

Hi, my name is Elsie. My struggles with mental health, sexuality, transitioning, and alcohol are very real. I just wanted to share just in case what I have to say can help someone. Love you all

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