Confused in a few ways

I used to love writing. It got me through some absolute nightmarish experiences. Now as I sit here at 2 am, I am troubled. I can not write. I can not think. I’ve trained myself so well to forget, that I have forgotten passion itself. On my best days I get excited about something for a moment and my wife always has a look of shock and surprise. Sometimes she even thinks I’m angry. I try to express that I am simply overjoyed at feeling something! Sadly she doesn’t quite understand.

So I sit and I think of the last time I experienced passion… it takes me a moment and as I sit, listening to music, a song comes on and as I listen, though I’ve heard the song before with little reaction, it brings to mind three things. One, My absolute desire to drink and find that ever elusive perfect drunk. It happens from time to time and I am constantly searching, even now as I write. Two, I have never, since it happened, felt the ecstacy I felt the first time I slept with a man. That was roughly 4 months ago and I have not felt the same since. And last, I love my wife more than anyone or thing in this world except for our two kids. All three bring me small moments of joy throughout every day, but it’s just not the same…

Katie and I decided a couple years ago, after a rough patch in our decade long relationship, that we would try an open relationship. A decision that would not work out in the end. I got close to one man after several dates with others (as she did the same) and as soon as I slept with him she was overcome with…..jealousy? In the end I chose to stay with her.

Though, months later I am still reminded of those times with the man, the way it felt, the playfulness in a position I had never played before. I told myself that it was just because it’s new, but I am not sure. Even Katie, knowing I am bisexual, has said to me countless times “I think you’re gay”. So now I am lost in doubt and confusion.

I absolutely love Katie, she is perfect for me in so many ways. She is now willing to be the dominant one. She is my best friend and knows me better than I know myself it seems. She has even brought up the thought that I might be Trans and completely supports it. Being who and how I am, I could not ask for a more loving, patient partner. So then why am I so confused? I have no idea, but the thought of losing her breaks me to a point to which I can not bare to think. So, I carry on. I have many problems, issues, red flags, whatever you call them and she accepts them all. Yet the elusive feeling of passion escapes my every day life and makes me wonder…. am I meant to be alone. I partially blame all the medications I take, but damn that can’t be all? Can it?

I continue to search for signs… I even hoped this little rant would bring me closer. It really hasn’t. Other than pointing out that I may just be bored. But really, she is willing to explore but I just can’t find the energy to join her. I hope it’s not useless. I hope I’m not hopeless. I’ll keep searching til I find an answer.

Published by The Lost Girl

Hi, my name is Elsie. My struggles with mental health, sexuality, transitioning, and alcohol are very real. I just wanted to share just in case what I have to say can help someone. Love you all

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