So three days or almost four really, I was so dissassociative, so, in a suicidal state you might say, that I had lost my mind. I was unstable, so my wife checked me in to a hospital. A mental health hospital. When I had finally realized what she’d done, I wanted to scream, but the full realization of what I had just put her through, prevented such a reaction. I could expect no less, nor did I deserve more.
On the first night I slept. As much as I could. I probably slept for 18 hours with the meds they gave me. Then I experienced a whole new world. People, unmoving, barely talking to each other. It’s as though my feelings of numbness had brought themselves in to existence.
I lay in my room the first night, so surprised at how I got there. I remember one moment talking to my wife about my feelings of not feeling at all and soon after admitted that I no longer want to live. A dark yet hopeful wish. She was scared and convinced me that I need to check in before I die
Her worry and need hit me right in the face as I accept this and do as suggested. The air was so powerfully palpable and filled with misery, hate, rage, everything I could think to feel. Yet when I spoke to someone they responded with a distant, trapped, sweetness. I knew at this moment I didn’t want to stay. I lasted another day and a half before admitting to anyone that mattered…I need to go… they miraculously heard my cry as they set me free among about 15 people that could scarcely recall what’s going on. Some said goodbye. Some stared back with longing.
I feel so sad for those awaiting treatment and morn for those looped in a cycle. Some hopefully grasping for something real. One man I had had a conversation withone moment, then at the last moment, suddenly kicked another in the chest and punched him in the face repeatedly and as they pulled him away he was screaming “they want to kill me, they are going to kill me!” A man, who had seemed so gentle only moments before. He was taken by the police, and no doubt recycled back in to the loop.
There has to be a better way, especially for those trapped indefinitely by their emotions. My heart hurts today as I think of a sweet girl, a sweet boy, and the one who is setting his path to chaos. I truly hope there is a way. Please…let there be a way