So I begin an intensive outpatient program in a few weeks. It is exposure therapy, so in a sense they, at least eventually recreate a moment or situation to train your brain to not get super fuckin anxious around other people and crowds. Or you can work on your trauma. I am told it’s a little more intense but I was deemed qualified to join both their programs. I start in a few weeks. Every day 5 days a week for 3 hours. So I’m doing this before work and while the kids are in school. It’s a sacrifice, but I’m an absolute mess. If anyone has read my other posts, they might know, I’m pretty fucked up. And just so it’s known, I have been awake for quite awhile.
So all this to say that because I’m soon trying to change my life, so I wondered? What can I do about it now? I came up with a few options…. like distract yourself with something that’s needed. Like going to the grocery store or getting gas or just something small that when you don’t drink as soon as you drop the kids off to school, you can do it. So 2, given we are in the process of moving, by next Monday we will be in a new(and much better) place, but it gives me the opportunity to do something that could possibly keep me from drinking. And 3 I started drinking less. It might still be a lot to some but I have cut my drinking in half at least.
So this is what I mean, I slow my drinking and I am back to being an insomniac again. Like I’ve been awake long enough that I’m seeing things, feeling things all over my body, paranoia is setting in, and I’m not usually at all paranoid. I see things move in waves and can disassociate so fast it blows my wife’s mind. So the question is, was slowing the drinking down really worth it? I mean I think it is, besides the effects of either my mental disorders or my lack of sleep, I feel good though, better than I have in awhile, and I can’t say for sure but it might have started with the meds they added after I went to the hospital. The big change would be I am now on am anti depressant. My doc has always told me I couldn’t because it could fuck with my bipolar, so this, could also be the cause of my insomnia, but hey I’m a pretty good insomniac, at least this time I feel better doing it. Other than the visual hallucinations, it’s been great. So there’s my piece for today and I’ve only had 2 shots of alcohol for the record 🙂 how do you deal with your problems?