Just some thoughts about Sexuality

I’m sitting here at 5 am, unable to sleep, just wondering if I’m… I don’t know… okay? I am, by most opinions gay. The one woman I seem to get on with is my wife, and believe me, I’ve tried with other women and failed miserably. Thinking through most of my life that I was bisexual, this caught me by surprise. See, for a while my wife and I were in an open relationship. We both dated separate people. In that time I dated 3 other women, all of which were beautiful and right up my alley. I connected with all of them. I am demisexual, so this is important. Yet I could not feel enough for any of them. Not a single women, except my wife.

Yet, lately it’s been lacking even though she is more than willing to play the part of the man, my drive has finally slowed down. I’ve told myself it’s stress and a great many other things because I can not picture myself with anyone else. She is perfect. I am at a loss because I still think of men. The men I’ve been sexual with, and the fantasies in my head. All men related fantasies. The only woman I fantasize about is her. So what is going on? I don’t know. I don’t understand how I can be so head over heals for someone, someone that is willing to go to great lengths for me sexually, and still desire a man, however small that desire may be. It seems to be affecting our life together.

I know without a doubt she is the one I want for life, but I am being held back by such ridiculous fantasies. Do I tell her these thoughts? Do I try to attempt another kind of role play? I know she would be willing but I don’t know how to tell her in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I want a man. Which seems to be her biggest thought that she can’t quite place because she knows I absolutely love her. It’s just so confusing, and I feel so lost among all the good things in life because I can’t seem to be what she deserves. So do I keep trying to find a way? Do I try to bring about the right situation? I have to. I just have to because I can’t see it any other way. Yet this thought is an intrusive thought more often than I’d like. It feels wrong but so right at the same time. Wow, I’m at a loss…

Published by The Lost Girl

Hi, my name is Elsie. My struggles with mental health, sexuality, transitioning, and alcohol are very real. I just wanted to share just in case what I have to say can help someone. Love you all

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