So in the past few weeks since I started hormone replacement therapy I’ve noticed a few differences, a couple of them brought to my attention by my beautiful wife. A friend of hers asks how she is doing, and, knowing about my transition asks how I am doing. My wife replies with…”she is happier, she hasn’t smiled this much in a long time.” While my quote may not be 100% accurate, there is nothing but truth in what I felt from what I heard. And nothing but truth connected to the words she spoke. I am becoming who I’ve been meant to be in the deepest part of me. That part still filled with shame, hate, and guilt, for some reason… guilt… why should I be ashamed or guilty of who I am? The woman I know I am? There is no reason to feel guilt. I have not let anyone down, I have not hurt anyone. Everyone I love is okay. And that’s a)l I want. I just ask that you accept me (maybe tell me I’m beautiful from time to time) and be there when I need you. As I will be for you. If my wife can do it. So can you.
All things considered I have not felt so content in as long as I can remember. My mental health is in check. My drinking. Even my smoking has decreased. I really couldn’t be feeling better except for the lack of sleep and the inability to do so, but the point is I’m okay. I’m happy. I’m excited. And let me tell you it’s been quite some time since I’ve felt any of those things, especially all at once. I can feel the peace coming and it feels fantastic! As my wife said the other day… “just imagine all the things we could have avoided had you made this decision sooner.” While this is 100% accurate, I wasn’t ready to face the judgment and the hatred I thought I would recieve, and not ready to realize who I was. For so long I buried myself. To the point to where I don’t know if I am capable of being the woman that I am, but damn, if trying feels this good then something, if not everything, is great and I will not accept less than I am worth or deserve. Be with me or not. I was meant to be who I am. Me. Elsie.