A Grateful Yet Sad Reflection Pt 1

So if I haven’t mentioned before, I spent the years between 13 and 20 as a heroin addict. This is about that journey, the friends I have lost, and maybe where I’m at now at the age of 32. We’ll see. I feel the need to mention I have severe PTSD from the events of those ages mostly surrounding the many deaths of friends and the desire and action of keeping them alive, but honestly that’s why I write about it now… searching for relief so I don’t dissociate my life away. Before I begin it’s important to mention I have experienced around 53 deaths. 7 of those being close friends. I apologize if this story gets all over the place and may make it in to separate parts. So here it is beginning almost 20 years ago…

At the age of 13 I was confused about who I was for various reasons from average things, anger at a mom that had abandoned me, and not least the desire to be a girl. I was and maybe still am a severe people pleaser and a lot of people walked all over me. Very few treated me right. Like a human being. In fact at that time I could name 4 friends that never used me and loved me for who I was, and growing up when and where I did this was a big deal. The only thing they didn’t know at this point was that I was painfully jealous of all the girls that seemed to just gravitate toward me. They didn’t know I wanted to BE them. This would much later become a big issue but all that needs to be known is that I was not okay in any way. On top of the absolute misery of being a teenager, I heard voices and occasionally saw things. My close friends knew this and a couple saw how torturous it could be. So at the age of twelve I had delved into the world of alcohol, pills, and weed. Always looking for the next best thing to bury my feelings

At 13, one day when we couldn’t find any weed one of our friends so casually said “I have something called heroin, do you guys want to try it?” We so stupidly said yes having no idea what we were getting in to. We smoked it the first time and damn I still remember the almost instant relief from all my problems. 2 of my 4 close friends appeared to feel the same relief. While the other 2 were terrified. It didn’t set them free, I selfishly thought, “oh you must have no problems” though now I understand that opiates are scary for a lot of people so I think that’s all it was. That being said about two weeks later a friend brought up heroin again and said that you can use needles to inject it straight into your vein. I, still looking for the absolute escape, quickly agreed we should try it. So hours later me my friends and girlfriend were shooting up for the first time completely oblivious to what heroin could do or the life that would soon ensnare us. That night was my first overdose experience. My girlfriend stopped breathing and just by pure luck CPR and a cold bath over a period of time actually worked. She was okay. After that terrible night I should have realized heroin was dangerous. But I loved the numbness. So much that it now haunts all of my teenage years. This is part 1. I’m still only 13. There is so much more to go

I hope it was worth the read. And if it was interesting, there is so much more. If it wasn’t I’m sorry but I feel the need to get this off my chest.

Published by The Lost Girl

Hi, my name is Elsie. My struggles with mental health, sexuality, transitioning, and alcohol are very real. I just wanted to share just in case what I have to say can help someone. Love you all

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