A stress I’ll never get over

Something happened last night that has had me on a high of stress ever since. Even after it was resolved. My wife calls me at 11pm while I’m at work. She is worried about our daughter who is throwing up and itchy and just not right. My mind instantly spins and I’m absolutely worried. Now I know in my head it’s probably nothing bad, but due to past experience I can’t bring my heart to accept it. The worst will happen, my heart is convinced and it’s because 3 years ago my son was given the diagnosis you always hope your child will never get. He got cancer. Leukemia to be exact. The moment we found out I was more terrified than I have ever been in my life. All the reassurance in the world could not stop the psychotic break that happened. The next 2 and a half years would be the worst. I can not even explain the pain that comes with seeing your kid fight the battle.

Because of this, any sickness my kids get is so overwhelming. It didn’t help that last night, the pediatrician was saying things like diabetes, internal bleeding, and anemia. My mind instantly assumed the worst and began preparing itself for the outcome. And the one thing the doc didn’t mention… cancer. I instantly go there now. I can’t help it. So we take her to the hospital and I’m trying my best to remain calm and positive and I know my wife is doing the same thing. There’s just some things. Some fears that never die. So inside I’m freaking out. After hours we get some results. After hours of my daughter throwing up saying she’s in pain and getting some really bad hives, the doctor has some actually good news. She is fine. It should be mentioned that my daughter has been showing signs of sickness for weeks. So honestly, my wife and I lasted longer than I feel like we wanted to before contacting someone about it.

Even now I’m still coming down from the stress and worry. I fear it will be a reaction that will never change. The fear that something will happen to my daughter or the constant fear that my sons cancer will come back or something else will happen…. I wish it on no one. It gets easier but it’s always hard and I’m always wishing I could take the sickness of the past away or atleast give it to myself. Because it is a lifelong change. Something that will always need to be watched over. I am absolutely relieved my daughter is okay, but it doesn’t change what has already happened. Because of that they will probably always have over protective parents. Nervous parents. I know for me it has changed every way I naturally reacted to pain or sickness. It sucks.

Published by The Lost Girl

Hi, my name is Elsie. My struggles with mental health, sexuality, transitioning, and alcohol are very real. I just wanted to share just in case what I have to say can help someone. Love you all

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