So my life has been chaotically happy since I started hormone replacement therapy 6 months ago. Gaining a new wardrobe has been a slow and steady process. Finding my style has been even harder! But so much fun! Affording the hormones and testosterone blockers has been quite another challenge, the my partner and I do quite well, we get stuck with outrageously expensive and yet terrible insurance that covers absolutely nothing and has a massive deductible and out of pocket. We pay nearly 700 a month for this garbage! The cost of food and gas isn’t helping anything then to add the couple hundred dollars I pay to receive my hormones…. it’s just a nightmare. Is anyone else feeling the pain of the cost of life? All the challenges such as bills, medications, other constant medical bills, and all the other random yet necessary costs, and the continuous changes my body and mind are going through such as putting weight on in places I never have before, my breasts beginning to grow, and my general demeanor becoming more feminine. All of this and more. And you know what? I’m okay. I am making it through the emotionally boosted hard times. I drink so much less. I eat more. I am in a happy open relationship(dating is a whole other story) and of course my kids are wonderful and support me as much as they can for their age. I couldn’t ask for more, but if I did, I would ask for a feminine voice and bottom surgery. The discouraging and large amount of money it takes to achieve this is depressing but I did finally open a savings account… gotta start somewhere.
The world of dating has been….interesting? Meeting a good guy is as hard as they say. I get lots of attention but almost always with the feeling I am being fetishized or at least seen as a tool to help “straight” men explore their sexuality. At first thought I am okay with this but really I want to be treated with care and respect. I don’t want to be an object used for your own sexual fantasies or insecurities. You can look at me without feeling shame and confusion about finding me attractive. You won’t “turn” gay because you sleep with me or even just kiss me. I’m quickly getting tired. You guys need to figure your shit out. I am more than okay with a friend’s with benefits situation. And I am probably kinkier than you are, but that doesn’t mean I am going to do or be whatever you want. You have all been terrible at filling my needs and wants. It feels as though none of you can and damn I’m frustrated and tired. I’ve told some but they all need to know. Can I do it? I have my doubts and my own beliefs that I put so much faith and desire in bottom surgery that I think it would help immensely, and maybe it would but it’s looking like it’s years down the road. I’m just learning the curve of being a woman, a transgender woman at that and FUCK it’s hard. If I didn’t still enjoy it and want it so bad I would give up. I WILL NOT.
I am determined to achieve the life I want. I get closer everyday. I grow everyday. I have amazing support which is more than some can say. Anyway… I’ll end, for now, on a high note… We got a dog! A mini husky and I am so excited. I’ll probably post more about her in the near future and in the meantime good luck to all and love for everybody! Talk to you soon!